


Lonely Muffin - A Love Story

by tigerlili4



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Genre: #SorryNotSorry, Angst, Austin - Freeform, Baked Goods, ChiCon 2018, Chicago (City), Family Business Beer Company (Supernatural RPF), Fluff, Fluff and Crack, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I seriously can't believe I wrote this, I'm sorry but this had to be done, Inanimate Objects, My first fanfic and this is what I came up with? Aye carumba, No Cursing, O'Hare - Freeform, ORD - Freeform, Other, POV Nonhuman, Rating: PG13, SPN - Freeform, Safe For Work, San Jac Saloon, Spn convention, Supernatural Convention, Ten Inch Hero - Freeform, Texas, The Heart of the Airport, Two scenes involving suggestive situations/language but nothing too graphic, Vancouver, Women of Supernatural, YVR, based on Kim Rhode's Instagram posts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-10 16:11:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 9,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15295242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlili4/pseuds/tigerlili4
Summary: This is Lonely Muffin's Epic Romantic Saga at SPN ChiCon 2018 - based on Kim Rhodes' Instagram posts about the same. I'm so sorry, but I couldn't not write this. Worse, it's my first fan-fic ever. I'm sorry!PS: All chapters except the last 2 are based on Kim's photos and captions - all credit for the storyline in Chapters 1-6 goes to her - I'm just filling in the blanks how I imagined them. For the last 2 chapters, I totally winged it and made up my own ending.PPS: Out of the 300k+ Supernatural fanfics on this site, I seem to have the dubious distinction of having written the first one even mentioning Lonely Muffin, much less featuring Lonely Muffin as a character, much less Lonely Muffin as the main character. I can't decide whether I'm more proud or ashamed of myself for being the first.





	1. And So It Begins...

The large conference table in the hospitality suite of the Hyatt Regency O’Hare Hotel was strewn with books, papers, and the inevitable other flotsam and jetsam that always seemed to accumulate during conventions, and Supernatural conventions were no exception. Amid the wreckage, a lone green plastic beverage bottle sat some distance away from Lonely Muffin, who gazed upon it wistfully. “At least that bottle has served its purpose” she sighed to herself. “I sit here, a Lonely Muffin, no one even looking my way. Am I that unappealing?” she wondered. She was sweet, her crumb topping was in generous proportion to her muffin top, and she was perfectly bronzed, everything a muffin should be. Yet despite her best efforts, she remained lonely. It was a sad life for Lonely Muffin, but she was determined to do the best she could in life, and be the best muffin she could be.

The door opened, and Michael Borja, bassist for Louden Swain, walked into the room and sat at the table near Lonely Muffin. Her best side was facing him, and she tried to appear as appealing as possible, but he was only had eyes for his phone. He finally looked up, and Lonely Muffin hurriedly tried to present herself to her best advantage, but he only looked past her and smiled as Kim Rhodes took a photo of him. Darn it. Well, the convention was still young, there’d be plenty of other opportunities for her to serve her purpose. And if not, perhaps she’d make a friend while she was there. Maybe even, more than a friend?

With her thoughts in that direction, she couldn’t help but think also of SPN Tapeball 14, who she had met earlier in the summer while she was on vacation in Austin. They had had a great few weeks in the Texas sun, talking about anything and everything while they toured the Hill Country region, sampled different craft beers at Family Business Beer Company, and took in live music as they bar-hopped through downtown. They spent their last evening doing just that, ending with one last stop at their favorite place, the San Jac Saloon. Throughout the evening, they had talked and laughed over drinks while a bluesy indie artist rocked the appreciative audience. As the night wore on, they kept having to lean into each other to be heard over the music. In such close proximity, she couldn’t help but notice his bright colors, and how shiny his tape was. Eventually, their glances started lingering a bit longer than usual, and they kept squeezing closer together as the bar filled up.

Outside the bar, she thought about taking his hand as they waited for Uber ride back to her hotel, but the colder air outside the club seemed to break the spell they had been under. The silence after the noise of the crowd seemed deafening, and neither seemed to know what to say to fill it. When her Uber arrived, she moved to step in closer to him, but at the same time, he swung around her to open up the car door for her. He was leaving the next morning for Vancouver to begin work on season 14 of Supernatural, and this was the last time that they would probably see each other for some time. They had promised to keep in touch. She hadn’t wanted to bother him while he was busy working, and apparently, he felt the same way, as he hadn’t contacted her yet either. She had thought they had had a real connection, but the more she thought about it, the more she realized that someone like SPN Tapeball 14, with his glamorous job working in the thick of things every day on the set of Supernatural, surrounded by talented and attractive beings, probably didn’t see her as anything more than a passing acquaintance to spend time with before heading back to work. She had hoped for more, but it seemed like she was destined to remain a Lonely Muffin after all.


	2. The Panel

A helper came into the room to collect Kim Rhodes for her panel, and Lonely Muffin was shocked to find herself being carried towards the stage as well. “Oh my stars and garters” she thought, “if I’m onstage, I’m sure someone will notice me then!” Joy swelled in her crumbly heart as she basked in the spotlight at the edge of the stage. A sea of fans swam in front of her, as her eyes misted up. “I’m not crying, I’m just really moist” she repeated in her mind, as she tried to get her nerves under control. “I can’t wait for the first question – I have so much to say!”

She waited patiently, as she knew the majority of the questions would be directed towards the talented actors she was on stage with. As time wore on though, her nerves began to fray a little. “They do see me here, right?” she wondered to herself. “I mean, I know I’m short, but…” That last thought was interrupted by wild applause as she was lifted into the air by Rob Benedict. Finally her time to shine had come! Or perhaps Rob was just feeling peckish. Either way! But her joy was short-lived, as he just posed with Lonely Muffin for a photo, and then put her back down at the edge of the stage. “Ok”, she thought, “certainly there will be at least one question for me now.” She tried to guess what she would be asked so she would be prepared. How she stayed so moist? What kind of bakery she grew up in? What’s it like to be held by Rob Benedict? She was snapped out of her reverie by the sound of thunderous applause as the panel ended, and everyone started to file out of the room. “Not one question for me?” she sighed despondently.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

“Cut!” the director yelled. SPN Tapeball 14 sighed with relief. The long, grueling 14-hour days were a far cry from the glamorous job that most people assumed he had. In fact, most days it felt like everyone just stepped all over him. However, he really did enjoy his work, and felt like he really grew personally and professionally over the course of the season. Things just didn’t seem to be the same this year, though. He was easily distracted, his thoughts continually going back to the smart, funny, and gorgeous muffin he had met in Austin. What a bronzed goddess she was, too good for the likes of him. He was just a lowly SPN Tapeball, stuck in Vancouver working long days, with a lot of downtime spent alone, whereas the enchanting muffin got to tour the world at various Supernatural conventions, spending lots of time with all the actors, musicians, and fans. "What an exciting life she leads,” he mused.

During their many conversations in Austin, she had tried to downplay her role at the conventions, but he was sure she was just being modest. He was so overjoyed to have spent a few precious weeks with someone so worldly, and sophisticated, and attractive…and oh my Chuck was she way out of his league. When they parted, he had wanted to kiss her goodbye, but he was too nervous, and instead, he had opened the car door for her Uber ride, nearly bowling her over in the process. “Smooth move, ExLax,” he thought, despairingly, as he remembered the awkward moment. He had thought about reaching out to her, as they had said they would keep in touch, but after that embarrassing moment, he wasn't sure she would want to hear from him. He had hoped maybe she would reach out, but so far she hadn’t, which further convinced him that he had ruined whatever small chance he had had. Man, he felt crumby about it. Sighing, he turned towards home to get some rest before another long day, once again lost in thoughts about the lovely muffin.


	3. The Date

Lonely Muffin sat dejectedly at the edge of the stage as everyone was leaving. But wait! What was this?  A ray of hope shot through her heart as it was announced that a date had been set up for her. “What a great excuse for a party!”, she giggled, as a party hat was placed on her head. This was even better than being asked a question. She was going on a date! Perhaps she would make a new friend, and if all went well, maybe her date would become more than a friend. She was so excited. She was a very self-sufficient muffin, busy with her career, and with dreams and aspirations all her own. But she couldn’t help wishing she could share all of that with a special someone someday. Maybe today would be the day!

While she waited, she thought about what she and her date might talk about. She wondered if he (or she, or they, she didn’t judge) would be a little nervous too. First dates could be so awkward. To try to stave off lulls in the conversation, she tried to think of things they could talk about beyond the basics such as work, family, pets, where you grew up, etc. She tried to think of three things that could get the conversation going again if it stalled. Just three, because if she tried to remember more than that she’d probably forget and get nervous, and that would be even worse. “Ok, so three things…one, favorite color. That’s an easy one, and we can talk a while about the reasons why it’s their favorite color. Two, their biggest fear – that should be good for at least a few minutes of conversation. Three, their favorite celebrity." She knew she was biased, but she hoped it would be someone from Supernatural. Her personal favorite was Baby. She tried not to be species-ist, but being a non-human entity, she was always excited to see other non-human entities represented so prominently in popular culture. Besides that, Baby was the most badass car on the planet. She had basically stopped the Apocalypse in the Stull Cemetery single-handedly, for cripes sake, just by reflecting the sunlight off of her chrome! Ok, fine, she fan-girled a bit over Baby, so sue her. There were worse habits she could have.

She realized with a start that she had been lost deep in thought for some time. She looked around, and realized the room had emptied completely, and by the utter silence, probably had been empty for some time. Slowly but surely, the realization crept in that she had been stood up. How rude! Here she was, trying her best to come up with ways to keep the date entertaining, to make sure her date had a nice time, and they couldn’t even be bothered to show up. She couldn’t help but remember that SPN Tapeball 14 had never stood her up, and she didn’t even mean that much to him as it turned out. She wondered what he was doing right now. Probably hanging out with the actors, or having a deep meaningful discussions with some of the writers, or even more likely, adventuring around Vancouver on a date with someone just as attractive and worldly as he was. “Whoever it is, I’m sure they didn’t stand him up”, she grumbled to herself. Shaking her head, she decided to end this pity party. She took off her party hat, and headed upstairs. Tomorrow was going to be another long day at the convention, and she needed to be at her best for everyone.


	4. The Date Part 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG you guys! I never expected anyone to read this, much less like it! Thank you :D
> 
> Lots of references in this chapter to characters (Tadd and Brad) and situations in the movie 10-inch Hero (starring, among others, a much younger Daneel Harris and Jensen Ackles - in a dyed fauxhawk and kilt no less). If you haven’t seen it, and want to, it’s on youtube. But hopefully the chapter stands on its own even if you haven’t seen it.

The next day, the Lonely Muffin was once again back on the table in the hospitality suite. Jason Manns, Rob Benedict and Michael Borja were also in the room, relaxing until it was time for Louden Swain to go onstage. They were discussing the set list, and as she was such a huge fan of all of theirs, she was so caught up their conversation that she was startled as she turned to her left and suddenly noticed the stud muffin who had appeared beside her on the table as if by magic. "Well hello there gorgeous," he drawled. "I'm Tadd. You must be the lovely muffin I was supposed to have a date with last night." "Oh!" she tittered. "Um, hello. You're a muffin too, hello!" she blurted out. His handsome good looks had her stumbling over words. "Oh my god, self - get it together!" she thought desperately. Tadd seemed unfazed though, as if he was used to such reactions, or maybe even expected them. "Um, yeah. Look, I'm sorry about last night. I had to help out my friend Brad. He's a Blondie, and my best friend, and he had a run-in with a 10-inch spicy Italian hero and he really needed me to be there with him. I hope I can make it up to you...if you're not too busy tonight?" She considered. He seemed sorry, and he had a good excuse. "He must be really loyal to his friends, that's a good quality", she thought, "and he seems sincere. And my goodness but he's cute! I shouldn't be too hard on him, right? Everyone deserves a second chance, I guess." Suddenly decided, she nodded her agreement. "Great!" Tadd exclaimed. "And in fact, why wait until tonight. Let's start our date right now, babe, you and me."

As if on cue, Michael started to serenade the two muffins with a slow and sweet melody on his bass guitar, as Rob and Jason sang softly in harmony behind them. "So romantic," she sighed. "I'm so glad I gave this date a second chance," as she looked at Tadd's profile to her left. Tadd seemed caught up in the music, but did occasionally glance her way too from time to time. "Enjoying yourself so far, sweetheart?" he inquired. "Oh yes," she replied, "this is wonderful." As the last notes of the song sounded through the room, the Lonely Muffin thought she could feel them vibrating through to her very soul. "Oh, that was so moving, Tadd, don't you think?" she asked, as Michael turned to go. "Oh yeah," Tadd replied, "that was great." So, what would you like to do now?"

At that moment, Ruth Connell breezed into the room, trilling out "Hello, my lads and lassies!" her Scottish brogue warming the room. "Och, what have we here? Are you two wee bonnie crumpets on a date, then? How delightful! Are you havin' a good time then, my lovelies?" Lonely Muffin, suddenly feeling shy, nodded yes. Tadd responded "Yes - and it seems like our good time just got better with you here!" The Lonely Muffin felt slightly uncomfortable for a moment at  his remark, but then shrugged it off. Ruth was so friendly and gracious, people couldn't help but fall over themselves a bit around her. "Oh, go on with ye then - what a charmer!" Ruth chuckled, "Better hang on to this one, dearie! In fact..." Ruth looked at the two of them with a gleam in her eye. "I know just the thing...I'll cast a love spell upon you both!" Lonely Muffin was a bit superstitious about witches and witchcraft, and tried to gently discourage the idea, but Tadd seemed eager to go along with it. "Why not? It'll be fun!" he laughed, adding, "Man, I wish Brad were here for this - he'd love it!" "Well, ok I guess, if you really want to," she replied gamely, trying to quell her nerves and summon up some enthusiam. Ruth looked around the room for a good spot to cast the spell, when her eyes landed on Jason. "Perrrfect" she burred, snatching the two muffins up and placing a muffin on each of his shoulders. "Now stay very still, Jason, you don't want to interrupt the spell." "Oookay," Jason replied, looking over his shoulder at the muffin precariously perched there. He wasn't sure how he had gotten sucked into this, but the thing seemed so romantic that he couldn't help but want to lend a hand (or a shoulder, in this case).

Ruth lifted her head, closed her eyes, and raised her hands towards to the two muffins. The Lonely Muffin tensed, but Tadd just chuckled as he looked over at her. "Isn't this great?" he asked, adding, "I can't wait to tell Brad all about this later!" He looked back at Ruth, who purred out "Aegrota amore," rolling her r's thickly. "Yeah, great," the Lonely Muffin smiled wanly. She was a little embarrassed about how weirded out she got about anything witchy, especially since she was involved with a show like Supernatural, but she couldn't help it. She recalled one of the many long heart-to-hearts she had had with SPN Tapeball 14, when after some gentle prodding and sincere promises not to laugh, she had eventually revealed this about herself. Expecting him to be surprised, or even dismissive, she had been relieved when instead of teasing her, he seemed completely understanding, and even revealed in turn that some of the stuff on the show even creeped him out. "What?" she had scoffed, "I can't believe a big strong Tapeball like yourself could get scared of anything." "Well, not 'Yellow Fever' scared", he had chuckled, "I've never had anything make me shriek at the top of my lungs like that scene, but to be honest, the one with the dolls really creeped me out. Yikes, I don't even like thinking about all of those dolls lined up on the shelves like that." She felt so warm and comforted remembering that talk, then suddenly came back to the present with a start. She felt a little guilty that she had been thinking about someone else while on her date. Luckily, no one, including Tadd, had seemed to notice that she had zoned out. 

The spell complete, Ruth carried the two muffins back to the table. "Well there you go, my wee sausages. Now that I've cast a spell of love over you both, you should have a most wonderful evening. Enjoy!" she trilled as she exited the room. Rob wandered over to the table, looked over the two muffins, and raised his hands towards them in benediction. "You know, since Chuck was God, I guess you could say I invented love. I mean, you know, it wasn't me, really, but you know, it was kind of me. Anyway, for what it's worth, you crazy kids have my blessing too on your date. Have fun, you two." Tadd was looking at Rob with a kind of a blank look on his face, as if he didn't know what to make of the words directed at them, but the Lonely Muffin thought it was very sweet. Somehow, the serenade, the “love spell”, and the kind words from the Creator of the universe himself, had her thinking more seriously about Tadd. Everything seemed to be going so well, almost like a fairy tale, so when Tadd asked her if she wanted to slip off somewhere private, she only hesitated a moment before following him into a nearby paper bag. 


	5. "Downtown Letdown"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've ever seen the movie "Roadhouse", you might recognize the bar in this scene (if you squint really hard). Just remember, as Dean once said as he and Sam rode around in the P.O.S. car: "Swayze movie. Swayze always gets a pass!"

Chuckling and the occasional wolf-whistle echoed through the Supernatural set as it emptied for the day. SPN Tapeball 14 could see some of the camera crew off in the distance, crowded around Jose Manzano’s phone. "What's going on, guys?" he peered over at the phone. "Just checking out Kim Rhode’s Instagram photos from Chi-Con. Man, they all look like they're having a good time," Jose replied. “Yeah, some more than others,” joked Brad Creasser. SPN Tapeball leaned in a little further to see, only to go numb to his core at the sight that greeted him. There was the lovely muffin of his dreams, cozying up to some other muffin. “I guess she’s not so lonely anymore,” he thought, as his heart sank. The other photos only got progressively worse. There she was, heart-achingly beautiful…and gazing adoringly at her date as she was serenaded. There she was, on Jason Manns’ shoulders. “Wait a sec, a love spell? She said witchy stuff creeped her out,” he thought. “I guess a lot can change in a few weeks.” Oh dear Chuck, there’s Rob, Chuck himself, apparently blessing their union. The lump in his throat grew. Jose turned and was startled at the sight of his friend. “Man, you’re white as a sheet – are you feeling ok?” Understanding dawned in Jose’s eyes. “Oh crap, is she…is this the muffin? The one you’ve been so gone over the last couple of weeks?” The group quieted as realization set in. “Oh dude, I’m so sorry. Just…just look away, man. You don’t want to see the rest of this.” Jose tried to put away his phone, but SPN Tapeball 14 focused in on it like a laser. “There’s more? Show me,” he rasped. “No, don’t do this to yourself, guy. You shouldn’t…” Brad started, but SPN Tapeball 14 just stared into Jose’s eyes. “Show. Me.” His voice was low and strangled. “Now.”

The last photo appeared before him, and his world shattered. There was the lovely muffin, his beautiful, sweet muffin, in flagrante delicto with the other muffin in a paper bag. Jose finally clicked his phone off, and the rest of the crew softly mumbled things like "we didn't know", and "sorry dude", as they gradually wandered off. Only Jose remained. “Don’t take it so hard,” Jose offered. “There’s plenty of others out there; you’ll find the right one someday.” SPN Tapeball 14 was in a daze, barely hearing his friend. “A paper bag?” he barely whispered. “He couldn’t even spring for a room? She deserves better than that,” he fumed, volume rising. “I mean, I get it, I do. The guy has looks, he’s all smooth and sophisticated, obviously knows how to lay on the charm…” Never one to stay angry long, his wrath faded somewhat as he thought it over. “I guess it makes sense, though. I mean, look at that guy. All suave, debonair...he just swooped in there and swept her off her paper wrapper. I guess that’s that, then,” SPN Tapeball looked at Jose, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “Can you give me a ride home? I'd rather not be alone right now” he asked. “Of course, man, anything for you.” Jose grinned. “But dude, home? What, so you can wallow all night? No way, not on my watch. We, my friend, are going to the Double Deuce, and we’re going to drink some damn good bourbon, surrounded by fine-looking women of questionable morals, and you are going to forget your troubles. At least for tonight, anyway.” SPN Tapeball 14 looked doubtful, but nodded. “Alright,” he replied, “just for a few drinks, though. I've got enough problems, I don’t need a crushing hangover tomorrow on top of it.”

Colored lights were flashing over the green and white checkerboard floor of the Double Deuce as Jose and SPN Tapeball 14 sat at the large square bar, marinating in a haze of Bulleit bourbon. Pretty girls in cowboy boots and short shorts were line-dancing up on the stage, but their presence barely registered with SPN Tapeball 14. Jose frowned. “You gotta stop lookin' at those frickin' photos, big guy. You’re just torturing yourself,” Jose looked at SPN Tapeball 14 over his rocks glass with a wise and knowing look. Actually, with a rather drunken look, but it felt to him like wise and knowing. “I know,” SPN Tapeball 14 groaned, “my phone is almost dead 'cause I can’t stop looking at 'em. I mean look at her…she’s so pretty, man, and sweet, and she’s seen the whole world, man. Of course she wouldn’t go for a guy like me. She’s out of my league, dude! I’m just a ball of tape, man! My life is boring compared to hers. And that other guy, that guy’s got it all…looks, moves, the whole nine, man. Just makes sense, I guess,” he slurred.

“Baloney” Jose barked. “Excuse me?” he responded. Did Jose want lunch meat now? SPN Tapeball 14 didn't think that would pair well with the bourbon. “You heard me," Jose growled. "Out of your league? That’s Grade-A, 100%, Oscar-Mayer, ground up lips and a-holes BALONEY, and you know it!” Jose continued. “You’ve got everything going for you, and she’d be lucky to have a guy like you. Yeah that other guy is good-looking, but he’s a total douche, too. Like you said, he couldn’t even spring for a room, instead he just drags her off into a paper bag? That’s a dick move, man. And hey - you’re plenty good-looking too, man, and smart, and funny, and you’re good at what you do…and you know she likes you, man. You just gotta knuckle up, and tell her."  Jose peered over at him through the dim lighting. “You gotta tell her, man. Like, not just over the phone though, you gotta…you gotta…DUDE." Jose suddenly sat up straight and stared at SPN Tapeball 14, as if the most profound thought he had ever thunk had just occurred to him. "You gotta go to Chicago.”

SPN Tapeball 14 stared back at the two Jose's in front of him. He was pretty sure the one on the left wasn't as drunk as the one on the right, so he concentrated on that one as he tried to understand what he was saying. Jose went on. “I mean, look at these photos…if you were there...you just…wait, there’s a new one. What the hell…?” Shock and disbelief were all over Jose’s face. “Oh dude. You have GOT to get to Chicago…NOW. Call the airline – I'm callin' for an Uber...dude, what are you waitin' for? Make the call!” SPN Tapeball 14 was having trouble keeping up with what either of the two Jose’s were saying. He tried the one on the right this time.  “What are you…wait, what? The airport? Why? Another photo? What…” Understanding dawned on his face as he looked down at the most recent photo Kim Rhodes had posted of his lovely muffin just before his phone died. He looked up at Jose. “Dude. I gotta get to the airport. NOW.”


	6. A Painful Discovery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Tadd and Brad (inspired by characters of the same name from 10 Inch Hero). Also gave Mark some Ayn Rand quotes since in his social media feeds he seems to be an admirer of hers.

Tadd and the lovely muffin were snuggled together in the paper bag, necking like teenagers. A phone appeared over the top of the bag. Lonely Muffin didn’t notice it, but Tadd did. He started to unpeel the lovely muffin’s paper wrapper, then turned on his side and started pushing into her side. The Lonely Muffin, suddenly unsure about what they were doing, and where, tried to back up. She never noticed the soft click of a photo being taken. “Tadd, I’m just not sure about this. I think we’re moving way too fast here…” All of a sudden, a Blondie peered over the edge of the bag. “Oh my god! No!” Lonely Muffin shrieked, feeling exposed. She grabbed the edge of her paper wrapper out of Tadd’s hands. “What are you doing? Get out of here!” she yelled at the Blondie, who was ogling both her and Tadd. “Hey, relax,” Tadd murmured, “it’s just Brad. I called him earlier to join us.” Lonely Muffin was shocked. “What? No!” Tadd looked at her with a hint of derision. “C’mon, what’s the big deal? Haven’t you ever had a threesome before?” Brad chimed in, “It’ll be fun. We do this all the time.” Lonely Muffin stared at Brad and Tadd, as her anger rose. “What? Oh my Chuck, that explains a lot,” she scoffed, as she thought back about all of Tadd’s comments about Brad. “Look, whatever you guys want to do, go for it, I don’t judge,” she explained, “just don’t involve me.” She tugged her paper wrapper back up around her as she made her way out of the paper bag. “I can’t believe you’re so upset about this,” Tadd said. “It’s not like you’re not the most lonely muffin on the planet,” he declared, “I mean, that’s the main reason I agreed to this date; I knew that as lonely as you are, you’d probably be willing to be…” he paused, as he tried to come up with the best word. “Experimental?” Brad suggested. “Yeah! Experimental!” Tadd reached for her to try to coax her back into the bag, but Lonely Muffin was almost apoplectic at his words. “WHAT?” Lonely Muffin shouted. “I can’t believe you! I am out of here!”

Lonely Muffin made her way out of the bag, and headed up to her room. She was fuming. “I can’t believe this. What a bunch of jerks! Lonely? Yeah, I may be lonely. But I’m not that lonely!” She paced her room. “I mean, I guess the warning signs were there, but jeez louise!” Finally running out of steam, she sat on the edge of the bed and gazed out the window at the Chicago skyline. Filled with sadness, she thought of calling SPN Tapeball 14. She just knew that he would understand what she was going through. She didn’t want to call him now just to cry on his shoulder, though. In fact, why was she sitting up her room crying at all? Tadd and Brad should be the ones hightailing it out of there, not her! Mind made up, she made her way back down to the conference room.

When she entered the room, she noticed a takeout box on the table, with some strange noises coming out of it. As she made her way around the propped-open lid, she couldn’t believe the sight in front of her. There was Tadd, practically humping a half-eaten burger, and fries too! “Makes sense, the fries are blond,” floated through her mind, as reality set in. She must have made a noise, because Tadd turned to look at her, and…the cheeky pervert winked at her! Lonely Muffin gasped, turned and fled. Pained sobs wracked her again as she ran down the hall. Falling into a corner, she lay there and wept, her face turned towards the wall, hoping no one would notice her. “I can’t believe that Tadd! What a sleaze. He seemed so nice at first, but he was nothing but a crumby jerk, only after me for my body.” She sighed. “Is this all that’s out there? Because if so, I’m better off on my own!” she reflected. “Seems I’ve made a lot of really poor choices tonight,” she thought, as she considered her situation. “Well, what’s a few more then,” she murmured to herself as she made her way to the hotel bar.

“Barkeep! More bourbon!” Lonely Muffin cried out. The bartender looked over at her and instead suggested a water. “Maybe you should cool it a little? I think you’ve had enough for now,” he said. “Enough? I’ve had enough?” she retorted. “Buddy? You don’t know the half of it!” she insisted. Suddenly, she didn’t want to tell the bartender about any of it. Instead, she was gripped by an intense, drunken urge to hear SPN Tapeball 14’s voice, and to pour her heart out to him. He would understand, she was sure of it! She dialed his number, and when he picked up, started crying as she babbled into the phone. Then she heard a beep, and realized she got his voice mail. “Hello? SPN Tapeball 14? It’s me, Lonely Muffin,” she slurred into the phone. “I’m in Chicago, and I hate it here, and Tadd is horrible, but you’re not horrible, you’re wonderful,” she gushed. “You’re prolly screening your calls…I know you don’t wanna hear from me, but I wanted to talk to you again. I miss talkin' to you. You didn't call me. Why didn’t you call me? I’m callin' you…” her voice trailed off. “I’m callin' YOU! Because I miss you. And I wish you were here, or I was there, or you know what I mean,” the voice mail cut her off at this point, but she didn’t notice. "I wish you were here," she muttered into the phone, "like that song! Yeah! Two lost souls, fishbowls every year, something like that...you know what I mean," mangling the lyrics of the song she was trying to remember. She looked down at the phone, which had now cut off the call. “Stupid phone!” she yelled, as she threw it at the wall, watching the pieces shatter.

As the bartender started to sputter at her, Mark Pellegrino appeared next to her at the bar and waved him off. “I’ll handle this,” he told the irate bartender. “Hey there, little Lonely Muffin. What’s the hubbub?” Lonely Muffin glared up at him. “Oh hey! Satan! Now it’s all starting to make sense. Were you the one who sent Tadd my way? He seems like he’d be one of yours!” she slurred. Mark eyed her thoughtfully, then caught the eye of the bartender, letting him know to cut her off. “Wow, you are a belligerent drunk, aren’t you? I was not expecting that,” he said, as he looked down on the angry little baked good. “Why don’t you and I head outside to get some fresh air, and you can tell me about it, hmm?” Lonely Muffin squinted at Mark, as if to judge his sincerity, opened her mouth to launch into another round of abuse, but then nodded blearily, and allowed him to lead her outside.

“Now here, why don’t you come hang out here on my shoulder. That’s right. Comfy? Ok, good. Now, tell me all about it, and we’ll try to figure it out together, ok?” Mark asked gently. Lonely Muffin spilled everything out; being stood up, then the do-over, the serenade, the ‘love spell’, the blessing from Chuck, then the disaster in the paper bag, ending with the painful discovery of Tadd with the burger (and those damn blond fries). Mark listened to all of it, thought for a moment, then sighed. “Lonely Muffin, you have to understand. To paraphrase Ayn Rand, ‘your own happiness is the moral purpose of your life’ and you need to pursue that. “Huh?” Lonely Muffin was not following. "Well, to put it another way, a leaf can’t be all red and green at the same time, it can’t freeze and burn at the same time. Do you know what I mean?” he asked sincerely, as he looked at her carefully. Lonely Muffin looked back at him balefully. “Are you F’ing with me right now, Mark?” she blurted. “Cause I will…” “What? No!” he yelped, as she eyed him up. “Moral compass? I got a moral compass! You know who doesn’t have a moral compass? Oh that’s right – TADD. And BRAD, for that matter too." "No, not compass, purpose...never mind," as she glared at him. "Red and green leaves, burnin’ and freezin’” she grumbled. “I mean, leaves? What in the actual hell? Seriously! Are you just messing with me? That’s so…that’s so mean,” she wept, as her anger burned back down into sorrow. “I mean, you’re supposed to be my friend…” she mumbled, sobbing again onto his shoulder.

“Oh no, Lonely Muffin, I’m your friend,” he reassured her. “It will all be okay. I’m sure no one’s even seen those photos, and after a few days, this will all die down.” Lonely Muffin looked up at him. “Photos? Whaddya mean? What photos?” she asked, not understanding. “You know, the photos on Kim’s Instagram feed. She’s been documenting all of your adventures.” Horror emerged on Lonely Muffin’s face as reality set in. “Everything?” she choked out. “Even with the…paper bag?” Despair overwhelmed her. “What…show me. You’ve got to show me these photos…” her voice trailing off as she looked at the photos in question on Marks phone, dread mounting higher and higher with each picture. “Oh no,” she whispered. “If he sees these, well of course he’s seen them, how could he not? Oh my Chuck, he’ll never understand…that’s it. I blew it completely. I mean, he didn’t call, but I thought eventually….but now….we’ll never…” and then Lonely Muffin was dragged again under the waves of fresh grief, shedding tears once again on Mark’s already-saturated shoulder.

As he tried to console Lonely Muffin, Mark saw out of the corner of his eye that someone else had sought some refuge outside from the atmosphere of the bar. “Alex!” he called out. “Just the guy I wanted to see.” Alexander Calvert walked over, with a big smile on his face. “Oh hey guys! What’s going on?” His smile gradually faded, as he realized Lonely Muffin was distraught and having what appeared to be a complete breakdown on Mark’s shoulder. “What’s wrong, Lonely Muffin?” he asked. “What can I do to help?” Lonely Muffin looked up at her friend and started to try to tell him what had happened, but between the tears and tipsiness, it was hard for him to make it all out. Mark filled in the gaps, and Alex nodded knowingly. “Oh you poor Lonely Muffin,” commiserating with her. “You’ve had your heart broken, haven’t you?” Lonely Muffin looked up at him and nodded pitifully. “Would a hug make you feel better?” he gently asked her. “Yeah,” she replied in a quiet voice, as she sniffled. “Well come on over here then.” He wrapped her gently in a comforting hug, which actually did make her feel better. “You’re right, Alex. This has been such a long day, filled with hard life lessons. For instance, never again will I trust anyone even remotely like Tadd,” she declared. “Also, next time, I won’t wait to tell someone how I feel. I should have called SPN Tapeball 14 weeks ago. I don’t know why I’ve been such a fool,” she lamented. Alex smiled at her. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. We’ve all made mistakes with love and friendship. You’ll find your way, Lonely Muffin, don’t worry.” Lonely Muffin looked up at him with relief shining in her eyes. “You have such a kind heart, Alex. Thank you.” “You’re welcome. But one question. Why did you say next time? Why don’t you call SPN Tapeball 14 now? It’s never too late to tell someone how you feel.” “I can’t call him, I destroyed my phone in the bar,” she admitted sheepishly now that she was a bit more sober. Lonely Muffin thought for a moment, then looked at Alex with a determined glint in her eye. “You know what, Alex? I’m gonna do better than call him. Hail me a cab - I’ve got a plane to catch.”


	7. The Heart of the Airport

Vancouver International Airport was renowned for their many art installations, each reflecting the history and culture of the area, but “The Jade Canoe”, also known as "The Heart of the Airport", had always been SPN Tapeball 14’s favorite. Every time he flew out of Vancouver, he usually lingered a few moments to appreciate the massive bronze sculpture with the jade-green patina. Over a dozen symbolic mythological figures such as Raven, Wolf, Beaver, and Shaman appeared to jostle for their positions as they sailed across the concourse, and he always picked up on something new every time he saw it. This time though, as he rushed from the ticket counter to the security checkpoint, he hardly glanced at it, his mind preoccupied with thoughts of the Lonely Muffin and his mission to reach her.

All of the flights on the other airlines were sold out, but at the last counter, the United ticket agent offered to put him on standby for the 11pm flight that arrived at O’Hare at 5am. “But you’ll have to hurry,” she urged him, “they start boarding in 40 minutes, and you still have to get through security.” He thanked her profusely and set off at a jog. Surprisingly, there was only a short line at security, and he made at to the gate with 15 minutes to spare. He checked in with the gate agent, who assured him that if there were enough cancellations, he’d be allowed on the flight. She gestured to a seat near her desk, “Have a seat right there, and I’ll call you when I know if we have a seat for you or not.” Thanking the gate agent (and silently, his good friend Jose for the loan of a charger), he sat down, plugged in his phone to charge it, and began his anxious wait.

“Nervous flier?” the woman next to him asked. “Um, hello. No, not nervous about the flight, just nervous about what I'll find in Chicago afterwards,” he responded. “Nice uniform, by the way. Are you a pilot?” he asked. “Co-pilot, actually. Trying to dead-head back home for a few nights. Really missing the wife and kids, you know?” She looked at him for a long moment, then asked “My name’s Kathy, by the way. I don’t mean to pry, but what do you mean about after the flight? Sorry, I’m just curious. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine.” Relieved to have someone to talk to about it (especially now that he was sober, and second-guessing his actions), he introduced himself, and gave her the Reader’s Digest version of events. “From the pictures, it looks like she’s really upset. That Tadd character – what an ass-butt. How could anyone treat her like that? So I’m thinking I’ll just go there, and try to be there for her, if she wants me to be, that is. I mean, it felt like we had a real connection, and I was hoping it would lead to more, but honestly, I’d be happy to have her in my life in any way she wants.” Kathy nodded in sympathy, remembering her own ups and downs in dating, back before she had finally met the love of her life.

She started to reply, but he looked away as his phone came back to life. “Here, I’ll show you the photos. Wait a sec, there’s a message. Oh my Chuck…it’s from her!” He listened to the message, his brow furrowing as he hung up. “Well? What did she say?” asked Kathy, on the edge of her seat. “And who the heck is Chuck?” “Chuck? Oh, long story,” he replied. “Fine – what about her? What did she say? C’mon, you’re killing me!” she cried. “I’m…I’m not sure. She said a lot of things, but it was kind of hard to make out some of it. I think she was a little drunk? But part of it definitely was that she missed me. That’s good, right?” he lifted hopeful eyes towards Kathy. “Absolutely!” she confirmed. “I think you got a real shot here, buddy…” she started to say, when the gate agent called the two standby passengers to her counter.

“Ma’am? You can board now. Sir? I’m sorry, but we don’t have enough cancellations, so there’s no seat available for you. Our next flight leaves in the morning, and if you’d like, I can book you a seat on it right now.” SPN Tapeball 14’s heart sank into the floor. He looked down dejectedly as he considered his options. “Are you sure?” he asked. “I’ll sit in the bathroom, or on the floor, even. I have to get to Chicago, you don’t understand…” he pleaded, to no avail. “I’m sorry sir,” the gate agent answered gently, “all passengers have to be in a seat, it’s regulations. I’m sorry,” she repeated.

“He can take my seat,” Kathy stated emphatically. SPN Tapeball 14 whipped around to stare at Kathy, lump in his throat. “Are you sure?” he asked, hope rising in his eyes. “But what about you? Your wife and kids? You need to be with them!” he insisted. “They’ll be there tomorrow,” she insisted, “but your muffin might not be. You need to go to her, now. Go on, scram, get outta here,“ she teased. “Go to Chicago. Tell her how you feel. Post about it on Instagram, I’m curious to see how this turns out” she chuckled. “Oh thank you! Thank you, Kathy! You’re the best!” he cried, then turned and made his way down the jetway. Kathy sighed. She felt happier than expected from her random act of kindness as she settled in for a long overnight wait for the next flight out. It wasn’t her first overnight wait for a flight, and she knew it wouldn’t be the last. She grinned as she thought, "Two crazy kids in love…ain’t it great?”.


	8. That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 7/20/18 - Well folks, here it is. The final chapter in the saga of the Lonely Muffin. I can't believe that over 40 (!) of you (as of this writing) have taken the time to read my silly little story. It's a pleasant surprise that anyone beside me wanted to hear this story, and your comments and kudos fill my heart with squee! If I could, I'd hug each and every one of you :D

The 10-minute drive to O’Hare airport was the longest cab ride that Lonely Muffin had even endured. She silently willed the young cab driver to go faster as they navigated the city streets of Chicago, blissfully empty of traffic as it neared 2am. “I don’t wish to intrude, but are you alright, ma’am?” the driver asked. Lonely Muffin looked at the name on the license card affixed to the plexiglass divider. “Yes, Dopinder, I’m fine. Just a little anxious. I have to get to Vancouver as soon as possible, and I don’t even have a flight yet or know how soon I’ll be able to leave. I’m not even sure what will happen after I arrive there,” she replied, staring out the window at the darkened storefronts that they passed. Each block felt a mile long.

“Ah,” Dopinder responded, “I see.” Kind brown eyes met hers in the rearview mirror. “No, you don’t, actually,” she sighed, and briefly explained her dilemma, leaving out the less salacious details. Dopinder considered the Lonely Muffin’s situation. “It is understandable, you’re anxiousness. But you shouldn’t worry – because worry won’t change the outcome either way,” Dopinder offered. He continued, “The universe unfolds as it should. You understand, yes?” Lonely Muffin was tired, and still more than a little drunk, and she wasn’t sure that she did understand, exactly. Dopinder saw her befuddlement, and pressed on, “Hmm. Perhaps this makes more sense? The cookie always crumbles in exactly the way that it should. You see?” Lonely Muffin thought maybe she was starting to see, a little.

She pondered deeply (as only the truly drunk seemed to be able to) about love, loneliness, destiny, and cookies crumbling into unknowable patterns. Finally (finally!) pulling up to the international terminal, she paid Dopinder, threw in a generous tip, and thanked him for his words of wisdom. “No worries,” he called to her as she rushed towards the glass doors of O’Hare International Airport. “Good luck, Lonely Muffin,” he said to himself, smiling, as he pulled away into the wee hours of Chicago night.

Lonely Muffin ran into the airport and veered towards the ticket counters. She tried every airline, but there was not a flight to be had that night to Vancouver – they were all over-booked, and even all the stand-by lists were full. Feeling a little discouraged, but still determined, she bought a ticket on United for their next available flight, which left at 7:30 am. “Just a few hours to wait,” as she made her way to some seats. Enough time had passed for the haze of Bulleit bourbon to start to clear from her mind. “Mistakes were made,” she admitted to herself as she leaned her head back in the seat, “mmhmm”. As the fog slowly lifted and sobriety crept back in, she couldn’t help but start to wonder if she was making another in a long line of mistakes that evening by going to Vancouver. Dopinder’s whole ‘universe unfolding, cookie crumbling’ theory that made so much sense in the back of the taxi didn’t hold up as well when examined under the harsh fluorescent lighting of the airport seating area. Just sitting back and letting things happen might be fine for some things, but this situation called for action, she decided.

The problem was what action to take. “Maybe I should just call him instead, test the waters. He might not even want to hear from me at all in the first place, much less see me in person. Especially after those photos…” she broke out in a cold sweat as the memories came rushing back, “and oh dear God, I drunk-dialed him.” She hung her head as the image of her phone flying through the air and shattering against the wall replayed in her mind. “Holy schnikes! My phone…ugh, I have to go try to get a new one,’ she realized. She found a 24-hour cell phone kiosk nearby, bought a replacement phone, found a bench with an outlet nearby, and plugged in the phone and charger. Time passed slowly as she waited for the phone to power up. She watched as an increasing number of people began to trickle past her, and the airport around perk up slowly in response as daybreak approached.

Her phone chimed, indicating it had gained enough power to become functional. She fretted as she saw there was still no contact from SPN Tapeball 14 – no voicemail, no text message, nothing. Maybe the universe was trying to tell her something. There was always the chance that she was mistaken about how SPN Tapeball 14 might have felt towards her those weeks ago in Austin. It had seemed so idyllic at the time, but maybe it had really been one-sided? She thought back to their long afternoons wandering through downtown, laughing as they popped in and out of quirky shops, stopping for tacos and craft beer as the day waned. Of watching the million-plus Mexican free-tail bats emerge at dusk from under the South Congress bridge, gliding away into the sunset. Of talking, not just chatting about surface things, but really talking…baring small secrets and hopes, revealing little pieces of themselves rarely brought out into the light, and taking comfort that those hidden pieces were accepted for what they were, as part of a whole. “I couldn’t have just imagined there was more there than there really was, could I?” she wondered. “No. No, I don’t believe that. We really did connect, I know it. Maybe just as friends, but you know what? True love is hard enough to find, but a true friend, well, they’re just as scarce on the ground too. I’d be happy just to be able to have more talks like that with him, even if it never went further than that,” she thought.

She looked at her phone again. Surely SPN Tapeball 14 must have listened to her rambling, drunken voicemail by now. She didn’t remember saying anything too bad, but the details were still a little fuzzy. He hadn’t reacted to the Instagram posts either…was there a chance he hadn’t seen them? “I’m not that lucky,” she muttered. “He probably heard the message, saw the posts, and is on his way to the police station right now to file a restraining order,” she thought, glumly. Did they have restraining orders in Canada? They had to, except theirs probably came with a complimentary bottle of maple syrup. She envisioned her showing up at his door, only to be met by Mounties, and being escorted to a Canadian jail. She wondered if it would be like the penalty boxes at a hockey game. She shook her head at the ridiculous imagery, and focused back on the issues at hand. If he really didn't want to see her, was there anything she could even do to change his mind? Was she making things worse by flying out there and forcing her presence on him?

Mired in despondency and indecision, she fell back on her tried and true method to dig herself out: she tried to think of what Kim Rhodes and Briana Buckmaster would say if they were there. Two of the fiercest, funniest, and kind-hearted women she had ever met, they never failed to give her good advice when she wasn’t sure what to do. She thought for a few minutes as she pictured them in her mind. First and foremost, they’d probably tell her that she was exactly where she was meant to be, and that she could, in fact, change the world if need be. She sat up a little straighter. They’d tell her that the only thing she could do, no matter who was or was not a part of her life, was to live her life as Wayward AF, whatever that meant for her. She could hear Briana saying, "It's never too late to begin" and she could hear Kim saying "The only thing you can decide is what is Wayward for you, but in the end, it’s about living without fear."  

“Damn skippy!” she thought, sitting up even straighter and picking her head up. “I’m fierce, I’m a trailblazer…I’m Wayward AF! I’m not going to sit here afraid, wondering ‘what if’. Everyone’s made poor decisions at one time or another, and plenty of people have drunk-dialed their crush before, too. If he can’t see past that, well, then I’ll just chalk it up to another life lesson learned, wish him well on his journey through life, and continue to make my way through mine, a little wiser and stronger. But the one thing I’m not going to do is crumble under pressure. I’m going to tell him how I feel, and let the chocolate chips fall where they may.”

Feeling immeasurably better, she silently thanked Kim and Briana, and made a note to herself to call them as soon as possible. After she landed in Vancouver would probably be best, as opposed to the current o-dark-hundred. Looking up, she saw the sky had faded from pitch to a soft slate gray, and decided to go outside to watch the sun rise. She still had 2 hours to go before departure, plenty of time to watch the sun come up and still catch her flight. She stopped and bought the largest cup of tea she could find, then took the steaming cup outside, and sat on a bench near the taxi stand. Sipping her tea contentedly, she watched as people came and went, waving goodbye or hello to their rides, leaving or greeting their loved ones with hugs, smiles, and occasionally, tears. She looked at the folks getting into and out of taxis at the cab stand, and thought back to that Uber ride in Austin, and how she wished it had gone differently. “Well,” she thought, as the sun started to peek over the horizon, “who knows what the future might bring?”

She glanced at her watch and saw that it was time to make her way towards her flight. Gathering her things, she heard a voice next to her ask, “Excuse me miss, can I help you into a cab? Last time, it didn’t go quite like I planned, and I was hoping for a second chance.”

She looked up, and saw her future shining brightly back at her.


End file.
